another fucked up day. suicide entered my brain waves today. i'm just so tired of wondering where our next dollar will come from... just tired....

crazy days are here again

i  have been fighting this dam depression, deep depression for weeks now. It just keeps getting worse instead of better.  I have to dole out my meds because i can't afford to buy the the zyrprexa.  I don't know what to do. I guess just go crazy.

just going to the phys...

I'm just getting ready to go to the phys today.,  I've gotta get my meds changed.  I've been feeling like a dam zombie!!  I always wonder if anybody even reads this...no one ever comments and I don't know how to see if anyone is reading it...cann anyone help?  You know,   why write if no one reads or comments?

trying to put up a pool

We got a pool from craigslist a couple days ago. We tryed to put it up yesterday, but than i fell out my chair backwards on my head.  toda;y I am just WAYYYYY sore, but we have to finish putting it up today.  Its a really nice pool, well worth over a grand plus the people gave us chemicals too.  But of course it's raining today!!!

krazy

i am just having a fucked up day and wanted to tell somebody. i have an appointment with my phsco. today am really not looking forward to it. For she might put me back in the krazy unit. Oh well, at least there i don't have to clean up after people in there.....

Just plain KKKKKKRRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYY

Just paain crazy is what I am......I can't even think straight!! Can't have an original thought,I am just FUCKED!!!

Crazy Ward

I just got out of the crazy ward, again.  When I'm there, I think that I am one of the most sane people there!!!  So in a way it makes me feel good.  I'm glad to be out of there though. Of course when I came home, you gotta know that my house was a pigsty!!! Right now I'm just trying to get used to my meds again. I will talk more later.

Help me....

Can anyone tell me, how in the hell do you make the people around you know how to respond to you when your in a manic down spell!!!!!   The two people in my life, husband and daughter both just want to fight with me, because they don't like what i have to say or how i say it!!! I promise you, two nights ago all i wanted to do was to run my car off the road and kill me and my daughter. She would NOT SHUT UP!!!! She is 24, recently just moved back home and is a major pain in the ass!!! Somebody PLEASE help me......I feel like i'm falling down a big black hole and there's no way out!!!

THE ABC'S OF MY LIFE

A is for Absent> my brain
B is for Broke> us
C is for Cats> Koda, Gimpy, Scrounge
D is for Dogs> Boo, Angle
E is for Earth> Please let me live in peace with you
F is for Faded> my appearance, my hair
G is for Gibberish> my words to most people
H is for Horses> Midnight, Ali, Hank. Alfida
I is for Idle> my brain
J is for Jungle> it really is one out there
K is for Key> to my mind
L is for Love> Ralph and Shanea
M is for Money> I need some
N is for Nobody> nobody gets me
O is for Oblivious> to my wants
P is for Pardon> my intrusion on your so called life!
Q is for Quench> i need to satisfy my thirst for adventure
R is for Run> run away as fast as you can
S is for Shame> on my iddleness, Santana
T is for Tedious> where and what i am right now
U is for Undecided> what to do next
V is for Vacillate> from personality to personality
W is for Why> don't i get get off my ass and change
X is for Xanthippie> a woman of extremely pugnacious temperment
Y is for Yellow> i'm a yellow body belly
Z is for ZOMBIE> ME

dated 10/16/09

I want to 
drown my sorrows
in alcohol
feel my back 
against the cold wall
I want to
clear my mind-
if only there 
was one to clear
I want to drink
to try to think
kill myself 
in two
hold my breath
until i'm blue
find all my
blue and yellow
purple pills-
just down a few

just a few........

dated 3-14-03

Boredom is something 
that follows me
wherever I go
The sky is pink and blue
and I took a picture too
Do you want to know the 
reason why?
Old, but young
fat, but thin
short hair, but long
sorrow, but joy
stress-need peace
Now...do you know
the reason why?

just found a blog to follow

I'm so glad I found another blog on bipolar and or our so called life!!! Crazy-meds1.blogspot.com, I have the comments she posted on her old website about Symbyax and laughed outloud for the first time in a long long time:)

is anyone out there??

How do you get people to go to your blog?

From 1/8/04 Ontario, Ca.

I crave Freedom
I crave the light
I crave wings 
to give me flight
I crave the moonrays
I crave the open range
I crave the lone wolf
to show me the way

The mountains, the valleys,                        
the streams, the range,
they're all within me
They cause my rage.
To climb, to plant,
to swim, to ride,
they're all inside me,
dying, side by side.
Howl for me-
I will hear
Howl for me
as I draw near.
Lay by me and
take my dreams
bring me peace
bring me freedom
give me flight. 

Wed. Aug.04 11:19am

'cause i don't want the world to know who i am
cause i know they won't understand
No one can understand
I'm here to remind you of the
mess you left me
Your old and gray
Your half crippled, but you know..
when you were young 
did you have fun?
when you were middle age
did you think of my cage
I showed you blood
you hit and i cryed a flood
I faked death in a car
but you stayed away so far
I burned myself in hot water
for attention that didn't matter.
I'm sorry for you
but I cry for me
You chase him
and i had to leave
you choose him 
and now i grieve
Living off the streets wasn't so bad
I just lived my life, so sad,sad,sad
Let's roll around again-than there i was-strung out..
bad habit-but fun, i shout
leave reality-gain a smile
don't care where it comes from
but enjoying jumping the mountain,laying in the sun
i left life for so long
how is it that i'm back
and it's so wrong?
Mother, Wife, Junkie
i miss my habit, it's been to long
what made it wrong?
Social conscience?
So now i turn it to song-
A junkie i will always be
now alcohol feels the need
and when i steal-it's just greed.
I belong to the city
it feels to me, no pity
It's the music that calls,
it fills the lonesome halls
they exist in my brain
and now it's the same.
I can't spell
I guess i'll lay down to hell.

A quote that pretty much means my life

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the sound of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears however measured or far away."

                                                                 Henry David Thoreau

an old poem

don't speak your mind,
don't open your mouth,
don't geek and gawk
don't yell, don't shout
did you take your meds
make sure before
you go to bed
what would spirit say
it's allright
it's them, not you
don't fall to deep
it's your mind your
trying to keep
but-let it go...

My first post

Hello to all.  This is my first attempt at a blog. I am bipolar and have been for most of my life although I wan't diagnosed with it until 2004. We just recently moved and I found journals that I had been keeping since I was in my teens. I am now 53, and I still keep a journal. When I toke the time to read thru some of these, I found that I had wrote poems thru all my highs and lows, so this will be an attempt at publishing some of those. It is my hope that there are other people out there that might identify with what I write just as sure as I know there will be people who have no idea what I'm writing about. Where I'm at right now in my life is not a good spot. I am in the middle of a VERY bad manic ANGRY episode. I've been here since Oct.  I am out of meds. I cannot afford them. I take Symbyax and I have been out since Oct. I am hearing things again, so all is not well. I am staying at home trying to avoid ANY body for fear someone will set me off and I will be put away for good.  I am probably going into a drug trial in two weeks that requires a stay in the hospital. But maybe I'll get some much needed help. I will start posting poems, rants and raves later today. I'm sure they will not be in the order of my years, but i will give my best. thanks for reading, cc